When Your Own Mind Plays Tricks on You
Why We Trip Ourselves Up — And How to Stop Believing Every Single Thought
For me, that feeling of not being quite good enough didn’t just appear out of nowhere. It was something that took root when I was a kid, grew louder and more insistent during my teenage years, and eventually started to shape how I saw myself and how I connected with others as an adult. That quiet little voice of doubt inside my head slowly became this dominant critic, questioning every choice I made, every interaction I had, and every way I tried to express who I was. It wasn’t just a fleeting moment of uncertainty; it was a deep-seated belief that, at my core, I just wasn't enough. And the more I listened to that nagging voice, the more I started to withdraw, missing out on genuine connections and opportunities that life offered. Thinking about it, I know I’m definitely not the only one who’s felt this way.
Introduction
So, what exactly is this thing we call self-esteem? Well, it’s really about how we value ourselves, the opinion we hold of who we are. And this feeling has a big impact – it influences the decisions we make, how confident we feel, and even our overall emotional well-being. According to Bird (2022), our self-esteem is deeply connected to the beliefs and opinions we have about ourselves, and sometimes, these beliefs can feel incredibly difficult to shake.
Often, low self-esteem doesn’t shout from the rooftops; it whispers quietly in the background. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing your abilities, shying away from taking risks, or feeling like you simply don’t deserve anything better. But the good news is that recognizing these patterns is the very first step on the path to healing and building a stronger sense of self.
In this article, we’re going to take a closer look at what self-esteem truly means, explore some ways you can get a sense of where your own self-esteem stands right now, and then dive into practical ways to rebuild it through greater self-awareness, a bit more kindness towards yourself, and taking intentional steps forward.
What Exactly Is Self-Esteem?
At its heart, self-esteem is your overall sense of personal value and self-worth. It’s about how much you like and respect yourself, and how confident you feel in your own abilities, the choices you make, and your place in the world (Holloway, 2016).
There are really two key parts that make up healthy self-esteem:
Believing in Your Effectiveness:
This is about having trust in your own ability to think things through, learn new things, grow as a person, make decisions, and handle whatever challenges life throws your way. Let me give you an example from my own experience:
I remember facing a situation I had absolutely no experience with. Instead of just freezing up with self-doubt and thinking, "I can't do this," I started doing some research, trying out different ideas, and yes, making plenty of mistakes along the way. But I kept telling myself, "Okay, I might not know everything right now, but I can definitely figure this out." And every time I stumbled, I picked myself back up. That underlying belief in my ability to adapt and solve problems has really helped to strengthen my self-esteem over time.
2. Respecting Yourself and Your Right to Be Happy:
This part is all about believing that you, just as you are, deserve kindness, love, and a sense of fulfillment in your life.
Think about it this way: imagine you have a friend who constantly puts you down and leaves you feeling emotionally drained after every interaction. Instead of just accepting it, you take a moment to reflect and realize, "Wait a minute, I deserve to be treated with kindness." So, you start setting some boundaries in that relationship – not out of anger or resentment, but simply out of respect for yourself. Over time, you might even find yourself building new relationships with people who truly see and appreciate you. That’s self-esteem in action – recognizing your worth and acting in a way that honors it.
Take a Moment: Where Does Your Self-Esteem Stand Right Now?
Before we can really focus on building up our self-esteem, it’s helpful to get a sense of where we are starting from. One simple and widely used tool for this is the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale (RSES), which was developed by Dr. Morris Rosenberg in 1965.
This scale presents you with 10 statements, and for each one, you choose how much you agree or disagree using these options:
Strongly Agree
Agree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
Here are a couple of examples of the statements you might see:
“On the whole, I am satisfied with myself.”
“I feel I do not have much to be proud of.” (Keep in mind that this one is "reverse scored," meaning if you disagree with it, that indicates higher self-esteem).
Generally speaking, the more you agree with the positive statements and disagree with the negative ones, the higher your self-esteem is likely to be.
Key Things to Remember on This Journey
It's important to understand a few key patterns that often go hand-in-hand with low self-esteem:
The Power of That Inner Voice: Low self-esteem often manifests as a really harsh internal critic. This voice can become so dominant that it feels like it's hijacking your sense of who you are and influencing the decisions you make.
The Cycle of Self-Isolation: It can be a vicious cycle: you might think, "I'm not interesting," which leads you to avoid going out. Then, because you're not going out, no one invites you, which reinforces the feeling that "I must not be wanted." Negative thoughts can really drive behaviors that end up proving those very thoughts right.
The Connection to Mental Well-being: Low self-esteem and feelings of depression often go hand in hand. As we begin to heal the way we see ourselves, it naturally boosts our social confidence and overall mental health.
The Crucial Turning Point: Awareness: The very first step towards building stronger self-esteem is simply becoming aware of these negative thought patterns and how they affect you. For example, having a moment of realization like, "Wait, I actually can talk to people, and sometimes, I'm even good at it!" can be a real turning point.
5 Ways Your Own Mind Can Play Tricks on Your Self-Esteem
It's helpful to recognize some common patterns in how our own minds can sometimes work against our self-esteem. Here are five key ways this can happen:
The Relentless Inner Critic: That little voice inside your head can turn into a harsh judge, constantly pointing out flaws and questioning your abilities. It's like your mind is actively searching for things to criticize, making it hard to feel good about yourself.
The Vicious Cycle of Self-Isolation: Your mind might tell you that you're not interesting or worthy of connection. This can lead you to withdraw from social situations, which then unfortunately reinforces the feeling of being unwanted or isolated. It's a trick where your thoughts create the very reality they fear.
The Shadow of Mental Health: Low self-esteem can often be tangled up with other mental health challenges like anxiety or depression. Your mind might amplify feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness, making it difficult to see your own worth and potential.
Discounting Your Deservedness: Your mind might whisper that you don't really deserve good things – kindness, respect, or happiness. This can lead you to tolerate less than you should in relationships and life, further eroding your sense of self-worth.
The Illusion of Truth in Negative Thoughts: Just because you think something doesn't make it true. Our minds can generate negative thoughts that feel incredibly real and convincing, even when they're not based on facts. This trick makes it hard to challenge those self-deprecating beliefs.
The Impact of Social Media: In today's digital age, social media also plays a significant role in shaping our self-perception. The curated highlight reels of others' lives – their seemingly perfect vacations, achievements, and appearances – can fuel social comparison. This constant exposure to idealized versions of reality can lead us to feel inadequate about our own lives, contributing to lower self-esteem. What you see on your phone isn’t actually what others are seeing in real life. And even without filters, technology isn’t always telling you the truth (Cleveland Clinic, 2023).
By becoming aware of these common "tricks" our minds can play, we can start to question them and take steps towards a more balanced and compassionate inner dialogue.
Simple Tools for Building Your Sense of Self-Worth
Here are a few practical things you can start doing today:
Collect Your Compliments: Make a conscious effort to write down any compliments or kind messages you receive. Then, when that inner critic starts getting loud, take a moment to revisit these positive words.
Create a Visual Reminder of Your True Self: Keep photos, cards, or any little reminders that reflect who you truly are and the good things in your life. These can be powerful anchors when you're feeling down.
Hold Onto Hope and Be Persistent: Rebuilding self-esteem isn’t always a quick fix, but it absolutely can be done. It takes intention and consistent effort. Learn to catch yourself *before* you fall too deep into negative self-talk, and always remember this: you are not the harsh voice in your head. That's just a collection of thoughts, not the real you.
Conclusion
Self-esteem isn’t something we’re stuck with; it’s more like a garden that we can continuously nurture and tend to. The first step is simply to start paying attention to the thoughts that run through your mind. Challenge the ones that try to define you in a negative light. Ask yourself some important questions:
What happened that made me feel this way in this moment?
Why did I allow myself to believe that negative thought?
How can I choose to move forward with a little more kindness and understanding towards myself?
Try this small action today: write down one compliment someone gave you that felt genuine and true. Put it somewhere you’ll see it regularly.
Remember this: you matter. And you are so much more than the limiting thoughts that try to convince you otherwise.
References
Bird, J. (Ed.). (2022, August). Types of mental health problems | about self-esteem | Mind - Mind.
Holloway, F. (2016). Self-esteem: Perspectives, Influences and Improvement Strategies.
Nova Science Publishers, Inc.
Rosenberg, M. (1965). Society and the adolescent self-image. Princeton University Press.
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/9999-01038-000
Cleveland Clinic. (2023, July 21). How social media can harm your body image. Cleveland Clinic.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/social-media-and-body-image